Commissioner calling and I'm sprawled into a race for the receiver.
Been on the grind for years but never had "true believers."
The most we ever had was a kid who turned our television
into a cross-dimensional rift for ghouls to portal in
and with that said, she didn't last a year
so our upper-level office stays a private affair.
Though the time has stayed kind, I have none to spare.
We got a busy day ahead of us here, get on ya gear.
Strange things afoot inside the city we're in.
I've been working here for years and yet the names escape me
but I haven't been much for feeling reminiscent lately
with all the killer mutant robot zombies coming to slay me
and with that, I hit back to the call we got.
Said the city is in danger so let's give it a shot.
In the box, got my gun and a badge with questions to ask
but always shoot first when they get in my path.
Ready to go, yo. Hop into the Desoto
runnin' over sidewalks to impress all the auto-shop
C.O.P.S. in exchange for upgrades and decals.
The only problem is cleaning the blood up off the wheel wells.

"OUT! OUT, DAMNED SPOT! OUUUUUUT!"

Hit a lever, get it on.
The batcave we had is collapsed so now it's gone.
Now we take the stairs to the exit to the alley to the car
to the place around the corner, something like a grill and bar,
where we're stuck in a conundrum with no chance of pushing far,
wondering 'Are kids' games supposed to be this hard?'
No time for children. I got my docket chock full
of the hideous horrors that'd make a deaf mute strike a Wilhelm.
Navigate north, about to get it Soda Poppin'.
The dog and lagamorph version of Batman and Robin,
but bats don't kill people - rabbits do,
and dogs don't dig for bones; they keep the clues.
Payin' out dues while puttin' folks in the dirt.
Man, I can't control my partner when his pulse accels
and he gets driven by a lust to liquify yourselves.
Freelance Police with a Tale to Tell.

[Bunch of unintelligible yelling]

Kids!
You can try this at home! And you can end up in jail!
You can burn down city blocks, never be handed a bill!
You can do what I do! You can eat hand grenades
and teleport right out of the room! ("Ooooooh!")
You can lie and cheat and kill and steal candy from little girls
and end up elected the new leader of the free world.
You can shoot forever, no need for ammunition.
You can drive around and never find a street that's endin'.
You can charge for tickets without even flashin' a badge
and make ludicrous charges for hazards that would've not happened
without a couple of shots fired on your behalf.
No law maker can stop what can't be contained
unless that law maker is I and I cheat at the game
while exposed indecently; no need to cover up
unless we're jumpin' through the reels, man, gimme a tux.
Mayhaps a mustache for Sam, the wonder mutt.
Now wonder what's next comin' down the pipe.
Wonder if maybe I'll be able to sleep tonight.
If not, I got some wrongs to right
as well as cable and a plunger for the dynamite,
so go ahead and try to act as if you didn't know.
No need for Agent Q, I get my weapons hand crafted by Bosco
so I know that you'd never try and shoot me back
'cause I'd get half rabid and have to counterattack.
I've tried dying; took a trip below,
found I'm honored in bronze where all my victims go,
but oh well - feared on Earth and gloryfound in hell.
We are the Freelance Police with a Tale to Tell.

[More unintelligible yelling ending with "It's 100% commercial free!"]